Memoirs of a Geezer!
Reflections and Observations -- A Bright Passage from the Fantasies of Youth
to Illuminations of Advanced Maturity!
This Episode: Communiques from the E-World... Fascinating Stuff? Scary, Sometimes...!
I get terribly important messages via electronical media. I suppose we all do! For example, I got an E-message from the world's oldest living porn star! It contained, or suggested to divulge, certain "secrets" that allow the aforementioned to remain active in his chosen profession! I didn't read it, preferred not to assimilate the alleged "secrets."
In the full bloom of "Geezerhood," I continue to enjoy employment in my two professions as free-lance writer and marketing aficionado (sort of!?). I receive lots of E-Correspndence, some of them desirable, many that actually relate to my work! But... so I shouldn't have to do any real work for the rest of my life, a great glut of such E-Notes offer "fabulous wealth-generating" opportunities. Here's an example:
"Joel, for gosh sake, don't be a fool!: (Typically, senders have the cheek to call me by my given name! What? Do they think we're intimate chums already?!!) What's the matter with you? You're passing up $397.00 a minute with this once-in-a-millenium chance! Only four spots remain! Don't miss out! Watch this 'brief and informative' video now... Do it, for pity sake!! Do It Now!!" (Apologies. I may have paraphrased just a little...)
I've been tempted to watch one of those videos, but they're so long and tedious. And at the end, I'm certain they'll want great heaps of money via one's credit card or electronic funds transfer or money order or ACH or "I can easily suck it out of your account if you'll just give me your routing and account numbers... Trust me!..." or maybe, "Meet me on the corner of 37th and Babble and hand over only $632.57... and you, you lucky stiff, can be one of the chosen! A brand new billionaire in minutes!! I'll be wearing a Tyrolean hat and lederhosen..." So far I've demurred!
I think the E-World is on to my plunge into"GeezerHood." Probably the presumption of decrepitude! "Joel, we've been trying to reach you! This pill unlocks the power of your brain." Some E-notes offer to make me "Erect on Demand." One's headlined, "BootyBox!" I'm afraid to open that one. "Meet hot elderly singles near you!" "This is the end of Viagra... Don't take it again..." Or, "Five signs that you'll die of a heart attack soon... but don't be alarmed, just take these miracle capsules... Ten easy payments... You'll outlive your sea turtle!!..."
I'm not sure if they're trying to frighten me to death or cure me of something I may have contracted and not be aware of... They seem to be disappointed and angry if I'm not dying of something profoundly horrible!!
Oh! And they have brides from foreign countries for ancient geezers. Doesn't matter if you're half dead, only that you have the cash to import a few and marry them! (I wonder if they send along interpreters?)
Yes, and of course I really enjoy the telephone pitches... Here's one (Mobile phone chirps loudly!):
Me: "Yes, hello."
Biff: "Joel, this is Biff! How are we doing, today?"
Me: (I don't reply)
Biff: "Wouldn't you like a great deal of money to pay off your student loans! How are you
today, by the by?"
Me: "I'm old. I'm highly educated. I don't want any money for more schooling."
Biff: "You could be a dental hygienist... clean teeth! A plumber! Plant engineering, medical records coding, technical stuff..."
Me: "I'm self employed. I don't want to be a plumber. My back hurts... no interest in tooth cleaning; people have smelly breath!"
Biff: "Betcha you'd make heaps more money!... Tree surgery? Uber? big bus operator?... You'll qualify easy!"
Me: "Do you have brain surgery by correspondence?"
Biff: (click!)
There are certain programs SweetHeart and I really enjoy on television. We have cable. We tend to gravitate to PBS, science and animal programs. British programming... good mysteries. We don't have nor do we want "premium channels." Doesn't matter...
Dirk: "Joel, how are you today. This is Dirk. Do you have cable television?
Me: "I'm happy with what we have, Kirk."
Dirk: "It's Dirk. I can save you big money. When are you available for an installation?"
Me: "Never. We'll soon be leaving the country."
Dirk: "I could be there tomorrow morning. Eight-hundred-fifty channels! Endless football... Three DVR's... A nifty dishy antenna... very attractive... How do you like your hamburgers?"
Me: "Are the first two years free, Kirk?"
Dirk: "Dirk!" (A long pause...)
Me: "Kirk??... Hello?..."
Dirk: (click!)
Well, one mustn't grumble. I get several offers every day to make me enormous gobs of money
for doing practically nothing and I never have to leave home until I'm dead. Pills for ED and brain re-generation, walk-in tubs, fashion apparel like pre-destroyed jeans, Depends, hip replacements, hair re-growth formulas, re-finance deals, sweepstakes, free money from the government, travel the entire world for pennies!, clinical trials, oils, ointments, balms for sagging jowls, green juices, Dr. Fungus, crepey skin stuff, Gummy Dope chewies... Doncha just love it??!! Keep those E-Cards and E-Letters coming! Wonderfully entertaining, and anyway, hardly anyone I know calls anymore!... (Probably too busy with their own E-stuff!)
I'm hoping somebody'll telephone and offer me one of those, "Hey Joel... Make $542.00 a day without ever leaving your bed! All you need is a computer or a flippy smartyphone... Work just maybe 10 or 15 hours a week. No need to view a long tedious video. It's easy! It's fun! We'll even pay all your startup fees!! How much do YOU want to make every day of your right now humdrum, boring and tedious life? Excitement, Joel, big money!! Are you ready to sign?..."
I get terribly important messages via electronical media. I suppose we all do! For example, I got an E-message from the world's oldest living porn star! It contained, or suggested to divulge, certain "secrets" that allow the aforementioned to remain active in his chosen profession! I didn't read it, preferred not to assimilate the alleged "secrets."
In the full bloom of "Geezerhood," I continue to enjoy employment in my two professions as free-lance writer and marketing aficionado (sort of!?). I receive lots of E-Correspndence, some of them desirable, many that actually relate to my work! But... so I shouldn't have to do any real work for the rest of my life, a great glut of such E-Notes offer "fabulous wealth-generating" opportunities. Here's an example:
"Joel, for gosh sake, don't be a fool!: (Typically, senders have the cheek to call me by my given name! What? Do they think we're intimate chums already?!!) What's the matter with you? You're passing up $397.00 a minute with this once-in-a-millenium chance! Only four spots remain! Don't miss out! Watch this 'brief and informative' video now... Do it, for pity sake!! Do It Now!!" (Apologies. I may have paraphrased just a little...)
I've been tempted to watch one of those videos, but they're so long and tedious. And at the end, I'm certain they'll want great heaps of money via one's credit card or electronic funds transfer or money order or ACH or "I can easily suck it out of your account if you'll just give me your routing and account numbers... Trust me!..." or maybe, "Meet me on the corner of 37th and Babble and hand over only $632.57... and you, you lucky stiff, can be one of the chosen! A brand new billionaire in minutes!! I'll be wearing a Tyrolean hat and lederhosen..." So far I've demurred!
I think the E-World is on to my plunge into"GeezerHood." Probably the presumption of decrepitude! "Joel, we've been trying to reach you! This pill unlocks the power of your brain." Some E-notes offer to make me "Erect on Demand." One's headlined, "BootyBox!" I'm afraid to open that one. "Meet hot elderly singles near you!" "This is the end of Viagra... Don't take it again..." Or, "Five signs that you'll die of a heart attack soon... but don't be alarmed, just take these miracle capsules... Ten easy payments... You'll outlive your sea turtle!!..."
I'm not sure if they're trying to frighten me to death or cure me of something I may have contracted and not be aware of... They seem to be disappointed and angry if I'm not dying of something profoundly horrible!!
Oh! And they have brides from foreign countries for ancient geezers. Doesn't matter if you're half dead, only that you have the cash to import a few and marry them! (I wonder if they send along interpreters?)
Yes, and of course I really enjoy the telephone pitches... Here's one (Mobile phone chirps loudly!):
Me: "Yes, hello."
Biff: "Joel, this is Biff! How are we doing, today?"
Me: (I don't reply)
Biff: "Wouldn't you like a great deal of money to pay off your student loans! How are you
Me: "I'm old. I'm highly educated. I don't want any money for more schooling."
Biff: "You could be a dental hygienist... clean teeth! A plumber! Plant engineering, medical records coding, technical stuff..."
Me: "I'm self employed. I don't want to be a plumber. My back hurts... no interest in tooth cleaning; people have smelly breath!"
Biff: "Betcha you'd make heaps more money!... Tree surgery? Uber? big bus operator?... You'll qualify easy!"
Me: "Do you have brain surgery by correspondence?"
Biff: (click!)
There are certain programs SweetHeart and I really enjoy on television. We have cable. We tend to gravitate to PBS, science and animal programs. British programming... good mysteries. We don't have nor do we want "premium channels." Doesn't matter...
Dirk: "Joel, how are you today. This is Dirk. Do you have cable television?
Me: "I'm happy with what we have, Kirk."
Dirk: "It's Dirk. I can save you big money. When are you available for an installation?"
Me: "Never. We'll soon be leaving the country."
Dirk: "I could be there tomorrow morning. Eight-hundred-fifty channels! Endless football... Three DVR's... A nifty dishy antenna... very attractive... How do you like your hamburgers?"
Me: "Are the first two years free, Kirk?"
Dirk: "Dirk!" (A long pause...)
Me: "Kirk??... Hello?..."
Dirk: (click!)
Well, one mustn't grumble. I get several offers every day to make me enormous gobs of money
I'm hoping somebody'll telephone and offer me one of those, "Hey Joel... Make $542.00 a day without ever leaving your bed! All you need is a computer or a flippy smartyphone... Work just maybe 10 or 15 hours a week. No need to view a long tedious video. It's easy! It's fun! We'll even pay all your startup fees!! How much do YOU want to make every day of your right now humdrum, boring and tedious life? Excitement, Joel, big money!! Are you ready to sign?..."
Humbly Submitted, 09-23-17 -- Joel K.
