Reflections and Observations -- A Bright Passage from the Fantasies of Youth to Illuminations of Advanced Maturity!
This Episode: Noxious Nellie: The Amusing Maze of Street Names
and Directions that Could Lead to Trouble...
(and often does!!)
As dedicated and courageous Food Delivery Drivers for... well, that doesn't really matter. Suffice to say we are kind of "mostly reluctant road merchants," caught in the web of the Gig Economy, on the road of necessity to earn a buck or two. As we pursue our craft, our trade, we follow "The Voice," and go where it commands!
The Voice belongs to Noxious Nellie. That's what we've dubbed her, she who utters the mechanical words that propel us to the homes or businesses of food delivery customers... The hungry and most often unseen masses, those whose dancing fingers manipulate "Apps" to summon sustenance from dozens, perhaps hundreds, of purveyors throughout a specific geographical territory.
Unseen masses? I should explain, that in these perilous times of the "Viral Scourge," the "Damnpenic," as some prefer, deliveries are made to doorways and lobbies, requiring photo evidence that the delivery was actually accomplished successfully. Smartphones with cameras are a necessity, perhaps needless to add.
We collect food from various shops, stores and restaurants, place sacks of sealed and protected edibles into insulated carry containers, and then follow Nellie's guidance to designated destinations. It's a reasonably simple process, usually, but sometimes, only if you happen to know where you're going!
We've often pondered, my noble and capable partner, SweetHeart and I, if a driver happens to be new to a certain community or neighborhood, Nellie's sometimes peculiar pronunciations, street names and directions, could drive a newcomer to become utterly confused, if not entirely lost. The result could be unpleasant -- hot food losing its desired temperature, frozen beverages a puddle of sticky slop, delivery drivers scratching their heads in frustration, getting out of their vehicles, turning, twirling themselves 360 degrees, becoming dizzy and disoriented in the process. A telephone call to the headquarters company, or the customer, possibly becoming the only remaining option or solution.
"Where am I? Where am I going? Where the hell is Bumbuckle Street!!?? NELLIE!!..."
Now then... I'm sure you'd like to have some examples. I mean, isn't that what you're hoping for, what you've been impatiently waiting for, longingly, if you've actually read the first six paragraphs?? Well, dear friends and devotees, here they are... a short list for your further reading enjoyment... (Comments and Questions always welcome!):
1. Clybourn Street in Milwaukee is pronounced, “Cly (accent on the first syllable) born. Nellie says, “Cli (“i” as in it) burn.”
2. Belleview is properly pronounced “Bell” (accent on the first syllable) “view.” Nellie chooses
instead, “Believe You.” Is it possible she believes in us, and everything we say, stand for and do?
3. Emulating Millie, introduced in a previous chapter, Teutonia, according to Nellie also, is “Toy-a-tone-ee-ah.” Correctly pronounced by most Milwaukeeans, “Two Tone Yah,” accent on the second syllable. (Apparently, both Nellie and Millie studied under the same electronic computer tutor!)
4. Meinecke Street is correctly pronounced, “Mine A Key,” accent first syllable. Nellie prefers “Mean Eck,” accent first syllable.
5. Then there’s Becher Street, correctly pronounced by most of us, “Beach-Er,” accent first syllable. We’ve heard, “Becker,” “Beaker” and “Betch-Yer,” among other butchered options! (Interesting that two syllables can be mis-uttered in so many different ways!)
6. Consider Dr. Martin Luther King, Junior Drive. Nellie’s take is, “Drive Martin Luther King Junior Drive.”
7. A street that contains an outstanding bar and restaurant is Saint Paul Avenue. Sobelmans is the restaurant, and serves, in the opinion of many burger gourmets, the best hamburger in the City of Milwaukee and surrounding suburbs. To come to the point, Nellie prefers, “Street Paul Avenue.” 8. Another interesting mispronunciation is that of Cramer Street, correctly pronounced “Cra-(“a” as in able) mer. Nellie seems to prefer “Cra- (“a” as in bam) mer, accent, of course, on the first syllable.
8. And lest we ignore our Latino brothers and sisters, Cesar E. Chavez Drive in Milwaukee becomes, in Nellie’s vernacular, “Cesar East Chavez Drive.” (We suppose some of the Nellie oddities are explainable, given her mechanical persona, and translations programmed into her by a computer with an apparently keen sense of humor!) 9. We couldn’t let this one pass, and it happened very recently. We were making a delivery on the south side of Milwaukee, with voice instructions from Nellie to turn left onto a street she announced as “E-Jere-ten,” accent on the second syllable. The street, to most Milwaukeeans, is correctly pronounced, “Edge-er-ton,” accent on the first syllable. Once again, Nellie provided us with a short but welcome bit of amusement.
10. Sometimes Nellie eliminates street names entirely, and simply states, “Turn right,” or “Turn left,” completely ignoring the street name or number. Perhaps she forgets street names and numbers in the midst of her directional instructions, brain lapses possibly. Or could she be on a
coffee or lunch break?! It does get a bit confusing at times. Luckily we know the city and its surrounding suburbs quite well, and we almost always navigate to the food recipient successfully!
When absolutely necessary, if truly confused and lost (very rarely!), we telephone the customer and ask, “Where exactly are you?…. Um, excuse me, where…?”
(Special Note of Dedication: SweetHeart keeps a mental, often a written log, of amusing "Nellie" and "Millie" pronunciations and unwitting comedic pauses perpetrated by the aforementioned duo. This writing is dedicated with great thanks, love and more gratitude to SweetHeart for remembering... when I don't!)
Humbly Submitted 04-17-21 -- Joel K.
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