An Appearance on the Bespoke Great British Baking Program...!

 

Memoirs of a Geezer

  

Reflections and Observations -- A Bright Passage from the Fantasies of Youth to Illuminations of Advanced Maturity!

Call if you Like Cake...  or maybe, 

perhaps, to wit, tend to honor 

This superb Posting, possibly (?) !!  

correspondence of Praise always welcome!!

This Episode:          An Appearance on the Bespoke 

                      Great British Baking Program...!

To begin...  I would appear under my "Baking Pseudonym," namely, Lord Eustace Von Bavarois, Lord Lieutenant (Leftenant, as pronounced by the British) of the Royal Borrachos, and 27th Earl of Blitheringdom!  I should insist upon being addressed as "Your Worship, Lord Bavarois," slight bows acknowledging my status and lofty position in life and in the monarchical realm! 

I would employ a valet, possibly a footman, to convey all of my baking impedimenta and paraphernalia; I would not demean or reduce myself or my exalted status by carrying to

An array of baking implements
and a blobby thing! 

my baking station the aforementioned.  I should insist upon occupying a front forward station, on the right side, with eastern breezes wafting gently through the adjacent tent flap.  Disagreeable odors would not be permitted to assault my olfactory gland by invading the tent opening intended solely for the aforementioned sweet breeze or breezes and maybe furtive glances at odd passersby...

I would happily interact socially and culturally with Susan and Mel, or with Noel and Sandy, but with no other vapid and vacuous alleged "comedic host."  I am nothing if not empathic, but there are standards that must be adhered to by persons of noble bearing!  

As to the so-called judges, I would accept the comments and constructive criticism of 

The Judges!

Prue, but I would very likely refuse to interact professionally, culturally or socially with the male member of the judging duo.  There are limits to one's tolerance and generosity of spirit.  And, he often talks mean and uses nasty words.  

When summoned to the various challenges -- Signature, Technical and StopShow-er...  I would of course refuse, in accordance with the Concordat of Beans 

(to which my EarlDom is a signatory) to engage in silly and meaningless bake challenges, such as Ibbie Skibbie, Konsikracker, Stoop Warffles, Pudding Sloppies, Gelatinous Slurppies (I hate those things!), Korkleflies, Soofles, Fig Warts, Spotted Dickies, StinkFarfels, Bloated Pig Dinkies, Mumblekaks or anything made using ink, of squid or fountain biro variety.  I will not concoct anything steamed, nor a baked thing sporting an unappetizing color.  I don't care much for green bakes or those made with eel.  

How many of you enthusiastic and rabid supporters and readers now engaged in perusing this piece of brilliant (sort of ) literature actually bake stuff?  I'd like a show of hands, please! Additionally, I'd prefer to see actual images of baked goods.  Those to be sent to the perpetrator of this writing via some form of secretive conveyance such as

I think the above image is of
a Stoop Warffle!

private courier, carrier duck, Beefeater in full Vatican livery, a private chauffeur, meaning, a large muscular beast with martial arts training in taekwondo, Kung Fu, Grappling and Greco-Roman Knuckle Lock.         

I suppose I might deign to interact with other contestants, if such contestants behave with dignity and deference.  I would not interact with whiny contestants who babble, such as that chap who guzzled milky drinks and complained of broken bowls and oven doors and used the word "put" far too frequently.  

I don't know what the hell
that thing is... But I recall
looking through something
of that appearance and
shape to view certain
pictures!  I was just 
an innocent child then!

I did enjoy some of the more Vintage Contestants, homely bakers who brought their own frilly aprons that they were not allowed to wear, owing to the mean-spirited regulations of pedantic organizers and production tyrants, cockalorums and petty snollygosters, or maybe even pillocks and oiks!!

Drat Them!   

Let me clarify...  Vintage Baking Contestants...  e.g.  Linda, Maggie, Jane, the guy who performed arm semaphore...  Norman, I think!  One of them should have prevailed.  Ageism, I suppose! 

 

I'm guessing the famous, revered and much vaunted, Lord Eustace Von Bavarois, too, might have been ousted or booted from the marquis (large tented property) because he would insist upon certain standards of behavior and various baked goods prohibitions and avoidances!  Thank You!   

(Special Note of Dedication and Appreciation:   To All who engage in the culinary arts, such as Baking, Recipe Theft, Cooking with Breda Greem, Devotion to the Galloping Gourmet and Treena, Julia, Emeril, Rachel, Jacques, Anthony and Kermit, Ayds, TafOn and Other Reducing Preparations, Pills, Ointments and Fat Removal procedures!

Humbly Submitted 01-09-2026 -- by Joel K.