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Memoirs of a  Geezer! Reflections and Observations  -- A Bright Passage from the Fantasies of Youth  ...

Thursday, May 18, 2017

From Russia with Music!

Memoirs of a Geezer!

Reflections and Observations -- A Bright Passage from the Fantasies of Youth 
to Illuminations of Advanced Maturity!


This Episode:      From Russia with Music! 

(Introductory Note:    In the mist of Geezerhood, an ancestral reflection, with just a touch of conjecture...  chronicling an extraordinary life and legend!)

The year was, perhaps, 1880 or 1881. A young boy sang as he labored in the fields, toil demanded, of necessity, by his father, an impoverished and struggling farmer. The boy sang and hummed the few tunes he knew, given the brevity of his time on the earth, perhaps 10, at most 11 years of age.  He sang almost without pause, a kind of mantra, a meditation, his manner of coping with the rigors of an endless agrarian routine. Russian-Jewish folk songs, or hymns learned in the synagogue, songs inspired by the Torah, its various passages and teachings.  
Painting depicts Russian-Jewish
peasants...  A scene alive with activity
including a rabbi's passionate
exhortation.  Could that be young
 Samuel running to join his family!?

Each harvest day on the small, barely arable farm, the boy carried a sack into which he gathered the wheat his father scythed, or potatoes, onions and other root vegetables wrenched from a stubborn, reluctant soil.  Always the boy sang or hummed the songs in his limited repertoire.  One day, by pure chance, the shtetl's rabbi was passing and heard the boy singing. Stopping along his journey, the rabbi was transfixed, captivated, as if stumbling upon a rare coin or a gemstone, barely able to believe his senses.  

"Reb Gimpel," said Rabbi Nachum, calling to him, addressing the boy's father, "your child, he sings with such a remarkable voice.  I am most favorably impressed.  The boy has a true gift." Gimpel Rochov merely grunted in reply, apparently heedless of the rabbi's astonished words. "Your boy," the rabbi continued, "he could be a somebody in this world.  He could sing for a famous synagogue of which I know, near Kiev. Such a thing could bring money to your family."  

At this Gimpel Rochov stopped his labors, and stood facing the rabbi. "Money, you say, Honored Rabbi Nachum!"  The elder Rochov had eight children, four of each, sons and daughters. Too many gaping mouths demanding bread and vegetables, meat when it was available, a rare occurrence. "This money you speak of, how is it to be obtained?"

"I don't mean to be indelicate, Reb Gimpel, but you might wish to consider my taking the boy to Synagogue 'Rosha Choral Bolshaya.' There I could, in theory, meet with Rebbe Yakov Moishtovich, the chief and much revered rabbi leader of that fabled place! It is famous throughout Russia for its music, its singing. If things work out, The boy could then be...  well, how shall I put this...  fostered by the synagogue, in exchange for...  how shall I put this most delicately...  consideration! I believe the boy's talent could be nurtured. He might even be taught to play musical instruments. You are not a rich man, Reb Gimpel. I know you love your family, but one less mouth...  You understand? You and your wife could visit the boy on occasion, see how he's getting along."
Probably not the right synagogue...
but, who knows, it could be!...
"Kiev's a long way off, Rabbi," the elder Rochov said. "I shall discuss this with my wife, my Sofia. I mean... Asking a mother to give up a child. It's a big thing!"

"You'll make the right decision, of that I'm certain, Reb Gimpel. Explain to your dear Sofia the need... the boy's possible future, your own...  Meantime, I will have a discussion with Rebbe Yakov. As it happens, I am on my way even now to visit that sacred place. I'll tell him about your boy, the miracle of his gift. I can take the boy myself to the synagogue...  an interview, so to speak, a kind of audition...  I'm back in about a week. I'll come to see you then."

Another day passed. The boy, young Samuel Rochov, was given the news of his possible future. Gimpel and Sofia talked, argued. As head of the family, the father's decision prevailed. "What will become of our beloved child?" Sofia asked, her voice filled with worry and sadness.

"It's not forever, Sofia.  He'll come home for visits.  We can maybe journey to that place and see the boy. He'll make us proud. He'll be a somebody in this world! We'll be known as the parents of a famous cantor, perhaps. And, my dear wife, a bit of money will help a great deal. We have so little. Besides, the boy is slight, like a small twig, not a great deal of labor issues from the child..."
Moscow and Kiev are not that far
from one another.  Look!  A map!

"I don't like this," said Sofia. "I don't want my precious son taken from us. But, as you are the proclaimed 'tsar' of our household, your decision must prevail, and so I must bow to your wishes. I hope you know what you're asking of me, of our child. I worry we'll never see our sweet Samuel again! He doesn't want to leave us. He begs me not to send him away."  

In a short passage of time, Rabbi Nachum took Samuel to Synagogue Rosha Choral Bolshaya, and there the child remained for a decade or so. The boy was treated as chattel, an instrument into which music was fed then extracted, his extraordinary voice trained and cultivated. He was taught to play music as well. He learned flute and violin, having a natural gift for anything in the realm of music and song. There was no mother figure, only the stern Ryfka, who taught Samuel his lessons, and the rebbe, rabbinical students and the teachers of music. Days consisted of lessons, his training, meals, sleep, work and little else. Samuel never again saw his mother and father, his sisters and brothers. He never again returned to the shtetl and the home of his birth and childhood.

The synagogue and its musical traditions were famous throughout European Jewry. When he was 19 years old, then a highly trained musical prodigy, emerging as an established and important component of Rosha Bolshaya's choral ensemble and choir, Samuel accompanied the group on a lengthy tour of major European capitals. Eventually they arrived in Rome, having previously performed in Moscow, Prague, Warsaw, Budapest, Vienna and other great urban synagogues and concert centers.

Samuel had made a decision, one that became a bold plan. He was poised to break free from Rosha Choral Bolshaya and the harsh and impersonal treatment his difficult and tedious life had become as "property" of an endlessly demanding synagogue. While it's true Samuel's gift of music was greatly enhanced in that crucible, its spiritual leaders and teachers had also burned anger and resentment into his young mind, like adding tongue scorching, bitter spice to a boiling stew. He rose from his bed in a Roman hostel in the middle of a moonless night, crept from the room and escaped into an enormous, complex and completely unfamiliar urban landscape.

Finding with time and effort the Jewish quarter in the vast city, he presented himself as a homeless youth, seeking and then finding menial jobs in shops and markets. His fertile mind a hungry vessel of knowledge, Samuel quickly acquired the Italian language as he wandered throughout Rome when opportunities allowed. His dark, curly hair and swarthy complexion allowed him to assimilate.  As he worked in the shops and market stalls, he spoke with native Romans, learned, asked questions of patrons and people in the streets, his ear constantly tuned to accent, inflection, words and idiom. The people for whom he worked provided rude shelter, a place to sleep and bathe, food from their shops, farm carts and markets. He continued to grow and thrive.

A year passed quickly and Samuel's age increased to 20 years. Two remarkable events would change his life and propel him into a future of which he could never have dreamed or thought possible, both unexpected and quite by chance and good fortune. On a rare day in which he was free of shop or market duties and on his own, he walked the streets of Rome, exploring the city's rich history, attractions and landmarks. On this particular day, one that was bathed in warmth and sunshine, he emerged from a park to cross a busy street alive with pedestrian and carriage traffic.  As he dodged and wove his way through the chaos and tangle of people, horses, wheeled carts and buggies, he happened upon a jewelry store that bore the proprietor's name, Harry Raccoli.

Samuel regarded the sighting as a kind of kismet. He decided to adopt the name as his own, perceiving it as a natural "Italianization" of Rochov, and a perfectly effective and useful change of identity. Samuel formally and legally became Harry Raccoli in 1909 in a federal courtroom in Baltimore, Maryland, where both he and his future father-in-law would also become naturalized American citizens.  

The second remarkable event...  While walking the streets of Rome -- not merely a favorite diversion but having become routine as his familiarity with the city increased -- Samuel happened upon a musical competition. He joined the queue to wait his turn, planning to sing an Italian operatic aria he had learned during his sojourn in the country's capital city. The queue was serpentine, and long! And so too was the waiting time. As people do in such circumstances, he struck up a conversation with a woman and her son, the pair waiting just in front of Samuel.

"You are a singer?" the woman asked, as they chatted somewhat aimlessly, his extraordinary speaking voice a clue to his "instrument" of choice.  
"Yes," said Samuel. "I was classically trained," he embellished, having no desire to divulge his full story, his "escape" narrative.  
"Your accent is unusual," the woman noted. "What is your name, please."
He paused before answering, "I am called Harry Raccoli. My family lived in Russia for a long period of time," Samuel responded. "I'm afraid my accent betrays my Russian, how shall I say, my sojourn in the Russian metropole, at times, the countryside as well." The woman made no further inquiry into his history and background.
"Would you, perhaps, sing something for us, that is, for my son and me?"
"You mean," Samuel replied, somewhat taken aback, "right here, right now, standing here in this endless queue?" She nodded. He sang an aria from Donizetti's L'Elisir d'amore in his rich tenor (that in time would deepen to baritone) -- quite possibly Una furtiva lagrima! 

It may have been one of many he had already learned through, or perhaps the only piece that made its way into his musical mind and memory at the time. The woman and her son were astonished, mesmerized, as were many in that queue within earshot!

Able after a long moment to gather her thoughts and words, the woman said,"You are quite magnificent." Many others in the queue were equally affected by Samuel's voice, his talent, and quite stunned over this completely unexpected explosion of operatic singing. 

"I shall make you a bargain," the woman told Samuel, still wide-eyed with excitement and amazement. "I am a woman of some means.  If you should chance to win this competition, should we ever actually arrive at the head of this intolerable queue, I will, if you wish, become your patroness! If my son should win -- although I must confess," she added as a kind of aside, out of her son's hearing, "that your skill seems to eclipse anything, any voice I've ever heard. But if my son should win, I would still take you into my patronage and ask that you tutor my son in voice and music...  I trust you also play certain musical instruments?..." 

Samuel won the competition! The woman kept her bargain. The newly "self-named" Harry Raccoli remained in Rome for a few more years, studying, teaching, learning, with the patronage and unwavering encouragement of Sigorna Marchesi. And her son benefitted as well, in time earning a minor role with an Italian opera company.
Harry Raccoli, formerly Samuel
Rochov, circled.  He taught voice
at a Chicago conservatory of music
at one point in his career!

Ambition and a yearning for financial success eventually led Samuel to leave Rome and Signora Marchesi. She and her son had also provided useful tutoring for young Samuel. Among other skills, he learned to speak English, enabling him to correspond with certain American opera companies. The selfless signora made no objection, no insistence that Samuel remain with her in Rome. He was invited to the United States, to Maryland and the Baltimore Opera Company to audition. Samuel arrived at Ellis Island in the late 1890s, a letter from the opera company facilitating his admission into the United States. His talent won him a place with the company, and an introduction to Slava (Viachislav) Tucker, a Russian emigre, a patron of the opera and the father of Rebecca who would become Samuel's wife.   

Having then permanently adopted the name Harry Raccoli, he traveled to Germany (circa 1903) to study at the Royal Academy of Music in Berlin, returning to Baltimore with a newly acquired catalog of operatic knowledge and arias with which he entertained audiences for many years to follow. He and Rebecca moved to Chicago and then to Milwaukee, Wisconsin where Harry Raccoli and his family lived for most of the balance of his life.   He ultimately fathered four children, Arthur, Theodore, Genevieve (Helen) and Elizabeth. Harry won fame and widespread recognition as a singer and performer of opera, and later as a teacher of voice, violin and piano. Sadly, his career was cut short, his fortunes greatly diminished by the onset of Parkinson's Disease that claimed his life at age 73 following a long and debilitating illness. 

There's no clear evidence as to when, but Harry abandoned any practice of Judaism, probably when he was still quite young and as a by-product of his early life experiences. (Interestingly, his wife, my grandmother, Rebecca, also eventually left the practice of Jewish religious service. She flirted with various spiritual traditions, including Christian Science!) Harry Raccoli's legacy endures, and includes the many students he taught and mentored -- including one of his own sons -- most of whom made performing and teaching music their lifelong careers, sharing their knowledge and talents with successive generations. 

It is, I think, unfortunate that so many, perhaps most of us, learn little or nothing of our ancestors, our family heritage, and sometimes only when advanced age and wonder compel us to explore the lives and times of our antecedents. And then it's often too late to mine the resources of older, surviving relatives who may have little or no recollections, who may be victims of dementia or Alzheimer's, or are among the "dear departed." The dead among our ancestors can tell us little, unless they left accounts of their lives, careers and adventures via writing, journals, annotated photographs... Sadly, such records are rare in most families!

My own mother made 8mm movies of her world travels, thereby documenting at least that portion of her rich life. I believe my sister transferred those films onto DVDs, the existence or whereabouts of which are a mystery. Both women are no longer with us.  

There's little doubt my maternal grandfather's life became the stuff of an "oral tradition" or family history, his legend passed along through the generations, likely because his was such a remarkably colorful and interesting life, a kind of storybook journey from peasantry and poverty in Russia to great success and fame through his gift of music. Given the time in which he lived and worked, unfortunately there are no recordings of his singing or his instrumental performances, at least of which his surviving progeny are aware!

Next time, I'll return to less serious subject matter. But just so this episode is not entirely devoid of amusement and silliness, I've added a photo of myself as "makeshift bench," and Granddaughter, Phia, enabling her to climb a tree! (Half of Grandson, Seany, is at right!...  He's actually an entire person; the photographer was apparently engaged in a form of semi-artistic expression!)  Thank you!

Humbly Submitted, 05-19-17 -- Joel K.

                 



             







                     

                 

Wednesday, April 19, 2017

The Drinking Culture! Or, Fine Pubs and Their Pickling Potions!

Memoirs of a Geezer!

Reflections and Observations -- A Bright Passage from the Fantasies of Youth 
to Illuminations of Advanced Maturity!


This Episode:      The Drinking Culture!...    or, maybe...  "Pickles" at the Gate!   


“Where the hell's ‘Lare the Hair' ?” I bellowed within the private confines of my skull, silent rage and  impatience growing inside my brain like a bulbous nodule of fatty tissue, my face a plate of purple beets.  I was seething.  He was seriously late.  I hated to be anything but on time for a Seattle Totems hockey match, though they were doing poorly in the 1970 season. 
Didn’t matter.  I was hooked; we were both hooked on the "Totes."  “So where the hell is he?” I asked aloud to Arnold, the bartender on duty at The 400 Club.  Arnold shrugged. He murmured, "Huh?"
  
The tavern’s name was a small mystery that, long before, may have had something to do with its location or address (but of no relevance at the time!), perhaps the number of drunkards thrown out and banned for life?!  No one really knew, and there was no one in the place who had the answer, nor was there an obvious clue to provide one on its walls or from those wobbling on its vinyl-padded stools.

I dumped down a couple more bottles of Rainier beer, paced nervously, played the punch boards.  At some point in the anxious and impatient waiting game, I walked to the men’s room where a smallish, high window was the only “periscope” through which to view the tavern’s parking lot.  I climbed onto the commode, the sole elevation from which to see the lot and its contents, searching for Lare’s “midnight blue” Pontiac.  I slipped off the rim of the bowl, my right foot twisting badly as it and I fell into the bowl, plunging into the cold water of the toilet.  I hollered in agony.

I hoped no one in the crowded bar had heard my pitiful screech of pain, something like the ear-piecing cry of a particular owl -- so named for its strident sound -- streaking from its perch in pursuit of a hapless rodent.  I hobbled to the bar.  “Arnold, gimme a bottle of Olympia this time.  I feel like I fell off a precipice.  I got a ‘soaker’ when I hit bottom.” Arnold was unlike the stereotypical bartender. He lacked the quality of attentive listening!
  

“Hey,” said Arnold, at some point coming round to the patrons' side of the bar to prop up a drunkard, then turning his quizzical gaze to me, “Why’s there a puddle under your foot?”  The “Hair” finally showed up, wearing a sheepish and apologetic grin. 
"We've missed the whole damn first period," I complained. "Why so late?! What if we missed Claudie DuFour catching a puck in his mouth?!"

*******************************

My own dear father collected them!  Saloons, taverns, bars, gin joints, whatever one's preferred nomenclature might be!  He had a catalog of them, his favorites and those of secondary appeal, given what they charged for a large beer (the chaser!) and a shot of brandy, and whether or not they had a cribbage board.  As I look back in time from the high mountains of wizened geezerhood -- soberly these days -- I freely admit I inherited his fondness for them. I had my own collection!  Sometimes when I'm daydreaming in my office -- on extremely rare occasions, of course! -- I recall certain brilliant episodes of tavern life, glorious
"Yeah, that's the ticket!  Back
me up Five Deep!  Hey, where
are my shots?"  
memories of the Boozing Culture! 

There's a village in the "Lakes Country" west of our major metropolis.  Okauchee -- with its nearby waters of the same name -- boasted, like so many small towns in Wisconsin, a saloon for every 10 residents, or so it seemed! Westphal's was our favorite. Always the joint resounded with brilliant conversation, and equally brilliant patrons.  
"Hey, Stinky, what's it again you do fer work?"
"I'm a drunkard."
"Is the pay any good?"
"Yo, Durwood, I like that sweater.  Argyle comes alive on youse! I could, maybe, sometime borrow it, if I ever, like, have a date??!"
"Anybody got any dope to sell? What?... I'm talking too loud?!"
"Hey Bry! Why must I always pay for my drinks? Am I not your duly-invited guest here? I mean, when you come to my house for cocktails, social and cultural interaction, do I ask you to pay for your drinks?"

During my days living in the Seattle, Washington area, my friend and fellow beverage host, Leonard, was frequently assaulted by his estranged wife, Mavis.  She'd sit at the bar, become extravagantly inebriated and then pelt him with the lemons he'd just cored.  She often grabbed him by his tie and punched his face.  Poor beleaguered Leonard.  Such elegant times! The boozing life at its zenith, its finest! Leonard disappeared after Mavis drove into the plate glass window at his last-known saloon job. As if it were a regular occurrence -- glass shards cascading onto the hood, twinkling like cheap baubles -- she calmly got out of her car, entered the joint and bombarded Leonard with lemons! (We don't know how she found him! But I believe at that point Leonard had already begun to wear clip-on neckties! Mavis was furious! No one's heard from Leonard since 1973!)

University life! Just like scenes from The Student Prince, eh?! The Ardmore, The Gym, The Vogue... Such sophistication! Entire mornings and afternoons spent in glorious intoxication. "Hey, you through with classes for the day already?"
"What?...  Oh, uh... I must check my schedule...  What time's Epistemology?"
Might be an interior shot of The
Ardmore, possibly the Vogue!
Doesn't really matter.  They
were both on or near the old
Marquette U. campus, an image of
which is pictured below...  (Suitably,
kind of tipsy in the mid-day sun!!)

My great friend, Pat, and I used to perform grand "hook-a-thons," meaning road trips on which we'd try to stop at every saloon we almost passed. Wonderful times, I think?? Prior to enlisting in the military he and I secured a case of cheap beer -- in quart bottles, 6 for each of us -- and consumed the entire ocean of suds at a drive-in movie theater. Police arrived at 2:30AM, roused us from our peaceful if unconscious state and hauled us to the town jail, and there we remained incarcerated until a parent came to spring us. Brilliant!  Oh yeah, and "flaming shots," particularly memorable at two different joints on Burleigh Street; often I resembled "Beppo the Human Torch" -- a brightly illuminated by-product of those highly intelligent episodes, hair and whiskers gorgeously ablaze!

There's a two-pronged point to all this nonsense! (At least I think there is?!): 

1.)  In the "drinking culture" -- the local bar as poor persons' club -- we hang with kindred souls, some tortured, some merely perpetually drunk, we regard ourselves and our companions as terribly amusing, wonderfully funny! Aren't we?  Are we merely forcing laughter and trying too hard to entertain and be entertained, to forget, to blend in, or to "be somebody"!
Not the "905" we actually consumed,
but, you know, quarts is quarts! (Please
see Paragraph 10 above for reference!)
2.)  When we've either quit entirely or cut way down on our consumption of alcoholic spirits, are we permitted to look back on those earlier times of life and recall them with laughter, with actual joy in our hearts, as cherished events worth remembering?

How the hell would I know? On the other foot, Sure! Why not?! I mean, I think we can't simply ignore or try to forget our days of magnificent inebriation, when we were stein-hoisting, falling-down members of the Drinking Set! That was simply us, or that was me, in a different sphere of consciousness, in younger times, in a previous "compartment" of life's richly eclectic trajectory! Aint it? Sure, they may not have been our finest hours, but they helped to mold us into who and what we are today, to construct and form our characters, to solidify and validate our attitudes and values! (True! Some of us never actually make the transition... !)  

Oh yeah, one more bright memory in the great panoply of boozing adventures...   Red Top, Muskie Don and I succeeded in being thrown out of Hooligans Super Bar, that was before it became gentrified! It was a beautifully planned affair. We were running drunk until it got yellow out, went to an all-night market and bought a half-gallon of Tutti-Frutti ice cream. We offered the frozen confection to Hooligan's early-morning opening bartender, and ordered him to make us each a cream drink. We decided to call our creation a "Tutti-Frutti Pink Gin Sissy." "Oh yeah," one of us insisted, "Don't forget the paper umbrellas and the fruity-tooty garnish!" 

"Get the hell out of here now," the bartender bellowed, as he reached for his Louisville Slugger, his red-blotched eyes blazing with ire!! We stumbled out, but with exemplary dignity!!


A couple of concluding thoughts! I have to state quite honestly, we truly enjoyed the Drinking Life while it lasted. It was our inheritance, in a manner of speaking. SweetHeart has often said, "Alcohol abuse doesn't run in our families, it gallops," borrowing a line from a famous movie comedy. Just as honestly, having now parted company from strong drink, we find our lives happier, more manageable and, in a sense, more secure in many different ways. We have no intention, here, of denigrating the Drinking Set and those who do imbibe alcoholic beverages. It's just not for us at this juncture. Many if not most of our
frequent companions drink. No problem for them, nor for us...  it's just a different beverage choice, and almost always in sensible moderation.  
So raise your glasses, friends and fellow lovers of fine literature (and the sweet nectar of your own choosing!), and drink a toast to great saloons and the great friends who frequently or occasionally populate them. Or, if the coffee house is your "social club" or gathering place of choice, raise your mugs! Thank You!


Humbly Submitted, 04-19-17 -- Joel K.



Questions:

What's your favorite tavern or bar or saloon?
What's your favorite beer?
Your favorite mixed or blended drink?
What's your favorite or funniest memory of tavern life?
What's your favorite coffee house, and its location?


           

      

    
  
   
  










Friday, March 24, 2017

It's Spring!... Wait!... What?... It's Tax Time... Again??!!

Memoirs of a Geezer!

Reflections and Observations -- A Bright Passage from the Fantasies of Youth 
to Illuminations of Advanced Maturity!


This Episode:      It's Spring!...  Wait!...  What?...  It's Tax Time...  Again??!!

It's all so "trilling"!!  Soaring hearts of youth -- geezers' too, of course -- pulse with joy! Like songbirds that presage warmer temperatures and outdoor strolls unhampered by galoshes, greatcoats and heads wrapped in wool babuskas, they perch on media waves crooning their promises of enormous refunds and clever means of evasion.  Adorned in frighteningly silly neckwear or frilly frocks, the gorgeous
A "Tax Bird" in Full
Fiduciary Regalia!
green plumage of the "Tax Birds" -- accountants and CPAs -- beckons us to mahogany perches, calculators and dazzling software!  It's income tax time! "Oh, lo, how the purse thins as the coin shrivels...!!" (Shakespeare:  Little Known Sonnet of a Tax Collector!) 

In the blissful autumn of geezerhood, I stare in bewildered stupefaction at my current "Profit (?) and Loss Statement," its feckless scratchings and negative bottom line. Back in the 1970s, SweetHeart and I fell victim to the IRS and its legion of auditors.  In the first year, we were nearly driven into bankruptcy as a result of...  well, many factors, including bad advice and my own guileless stupidity!  That first experience, however, taught us to keep impeccably thorough and accurate records, receipts of each and every tax-deductible expenditure, business and personal. We became giants of stuff fiduciary, digits flying deftly among the beads of our 
abacus, stuffing envelopes and shoeboxes with documents and receipts and amulets designed to ward off evil karma and demons! 

In subsequent audit years, friendly and efficient IRS luminaries invited themselves into our home (unless there was insistence on a visit to his or her office in the Federal Building; thus we'd comply, clutching shoeboxes glutted with papers!).  They'd rummage through all of our business file drawers, heads often shaking, emitting occasional ejaculations of muddle!  Ms. Myrtle Fine-Em was one of those officials who came to our home, her objective to investigate every scrap of parchment with punctilious precision!

"May I do something to assist you, Ms. Fine-Em," I asked as she leafed through every slice of of printed paper in my outrageously disorganized filing system.
"No thank you," she responded, "and you may call me Myrtle."
"Oh I could never presume on such familiarity with an official of the Federal Government, Ms. Fine-Em," I replied, as I shelled and chewed pistachios inches from her right ear. "Would you like a chair, or a garden kneeling pad?" I asked, "perhaps a cushion or a bean-bag seat?"  She knelt near our short file cabinet as she searched and examined and mumbled.
"No thank you.  I'm fine as I am."  I continued to shell and chew.  "You're welcome to go about
other business," she nearly commanded, eyes stinging with irritation.  I think she cared little for pistachios... or chewing!
"May I get you a beverage? Soft drink, coffee, water, juice, kefir... We have chocolate milk, whiskey, beer, vodka...? I could make you a foo foo beverage in the blender; I used to be licensed bartender."  
"Thank you, no!" It was more a growl than a mere refusal.  
"Well," I said, "I'm here if you need me. I'll just get you a glass of water.  I'll leave it here on the filing cabinet. Ice?" She issued a grunt in reply. I went into the kitchen, needing a potable myself, something to slosh down the pistachios.   
  
I don't recall his name. I dubbed him Seymour Reasonstopenalize. He was one of several astute IRS auditors in the parade.  Upon spending hours -- probably it was more like days! -- inspecting every conceivable tax record we had collected, he peered at me sheepishly and asked, "Uh...  Joel, um, how do I put this delicately? Do you think you'll ever actually...  (here, he paused!)... well, um, actually earn any money?!  I mean...  actually realize a profit from business??!!"

"I rather hope not," said I.  "We're doing splendidly as we are!" I quipped foolishly. "I don't know how we'd manage if we ever actually made any money!!" I elucidated, further, stating I would quite likely be voted the worst peddler (salesperson) in this or any other hemisphere! My business acumen suffers by comparison to others of the self-employment ilk. Seymour was very understanding. He left a gold star, stuck it onto my file cabinet!   


"Be assured, madam, your information will not be shared!
Now, where may I Email your receipt...  you know, for
your record-keeping and income tax purposes!"
In time, we felt magnificently triumphant, escaping assessment of penalties and interest in those subsequent six or so years of audits, a tribute to adroit record-keeping...  And lots of receipts -- barely decipherable jottings on foolscap and torn bits of brown paper sacks!! But legitimate, acceptable stuff! Tax time became joyful, like a warming sun following a cascade of hail balls, the sweet kiss of dew on clover, a brilliant summer's morn...  a large refund check!(??) (The latter we have not enjoyed!!)

Having thus poked a bit of fun at honored, respected and much-loved agents of the income tax continuum, I feel I must add a tribute to an outstanding Tax Accountant of my own particular ken. I've always called him, Freddy, and we've been great friends since grade school... paper routes, baseball in front of his family's garage... crazed and reckless bicycle riding... everything that kids do and enjoy. We're both grown geezers now, and he has graciously deigned to handle our income tax matters -- ridiculous as they may be -- and has done over the past few years. I dubbed him a "Fiduciary Genius," as he is most deserving of the title! Our returns had never before been accomplished with such detailed and glorious professionalism. We are blessed! (I hope he never sends me packing to one of those creatures who walks about looking like Verdigris Statues with spikes coming out of their heads!!)    


And, thus, I conclude this happy journey along the "Tax Road" and the adventures on which it has taken us. We intend no disrespect to accountancy, the IRS, bean-counters or other noble fiduciaries. This posting is merely our tribute to that magnificent "season of every new year" that is supposed to conclude on April 15th, the gods, computers and sundry circumstances permitting!!  

[ Special Note of Dual Dedication:  The perpetrator dedicates this writing to his dear friend, Freddy, a tax and accounting professional of exceptional talent and grace. He has generously taken on our income tax morass with unusual understanding and acceptance...  hardly any grumbling over the state of our convoluted income tax narrative, records and spreadsheets. We are grateful in the extreme for his skills and expertise. (Now then, Freddy, old chap, where are we lunching next month??!!)  In addition, I dedicate this blog to SweetHeart, whose contributions to our tax records and overall preparation are far better than my own inane ramblings, and whose encouragement is always vital and most welcome during the proceedings! With love and hugs to both dedicatees! Oh yes, and thank you too, Pat! Your scheduling and communications skills play a major role as well. ]   


Humbly Submitted, 03-24-17 -- Joel K.        



  

          

   





            

Monday, February 6, 2017

Disassembly and the Medical Profession!...

Memoirs of a Geezer!

Reflections and Observations -- A Bright Passage from the Fantasies of Youth 
to Illuminations of Advanced Maturity!


This Episode:      Disassembly and the Medical Profession!...

"Where are the Simple Joys of Geezerhood..."  Remember that great tune from the play,
Camelot (...a bit of poetic license here!)?  So?  What's become of those simple joys?  As we reach a venerable age, you know, like genuine Geezerhood, aren't we supposed to be inundated with "simple joys"?  Lots of leisure time... Unremitting respect from the young... Stable health that
would enable us to bask in the warm sunshine of wise maturity, able to enjoy a simpler lifestyle in peace and comfort? Fah!! We're too often treated like swine to the slaughter!   

Here's the problem!  Modern medicine has apparently conspired to cure our ailments by removal, disassembly! Complain about a source of pain and a doctor might remove your spleen, a lung, a bowel or a pancreas or something...  other vital members!! When my father was in his dotage, he started losing his members, meaning toes and other things! I don't wish to make light of our health care industry and the injuries and diseases upon which it must focus, nor to accuse it of disassembling bodily organs for the mere sake of practicing medical disassembly!  However, the medical profession, like any other, requires occasional fun-poking!  


Sadly, it's not all fun and riotous humor. For example, SweetHeart, my best friend and dearest companion was recently diagnosed with a 5 cm mass of carcinoma in her right kidney. Following a biopsy, a stent placed in the connecting ureter and lots of discomfort, all experienced on a Monday and throughout the following three days, she underwent a "procedure" -- meaning surgery, of course -- to remove the affected kidney the following Friday. (Today's medical professionals love to use euphemisms...  e.g.  "Some discomfort"... "a small incision is all that's required"... "Laparoscopic surgery, also called minimally invasive surgery (MIS)"... "Bandaid Surgery"(?!)... There was a bladder scan and a dye-injected full-organ CT scan that preceded the biopsy. For poor SweetHeart, it was all like undergoing a one-person battle against a horde of frenzied barbarians wearing fur-rimmed metal hats on stampeding and snorting horses squirting venomous mucus-covered darts with every gallop!! 
"Whatever it is
that's causing you
discomfort, it has
to come out!!"

We can be thankful in the extreme that some cancers are eminently treatable, even curable, in this modern era of medical science in which we are privileged to live!  SweetHeart, after seeing her GP to determine that blood in the urine was not caused by a Urinary Tract Infection (UTI), was referred to a urologist, a terrific specialist with an excellent reputation in his field.  I should mention that our much loved and outstanding GP has never steered us afoul in the referral department.  (I was seen by a heart specialist, for example, who removed nothing from my anatomy!  Oh...  I did see a gastrointestinal MD who removed my appendix, but only because he was "in there" untwisting a nasty brute of a bowel...  a prime example of expedient medical disassembly!) 

But, who am I to judge or complain. My closest encounter with medical training was occupying a desk in a biology lecture for a, then, dental student friend of mine who had other important matters to which he wanted to attend. The professor frequently looked at me rather askance! I believe he knew me for the interloper I was! However, to my undying gratitude, I learned a few things about streptococci, knowledge forever stored in my personal medical lexicon!! (Sometimes we're truly blessed and don't realize it until much later in life.  Oh, and my friend paid me a dollar!!)

I should also point out that, as a youth, my tonsils were disassembled. I played a good joke on the medical profession on that occasion! My mother was told not to give me anything to eat or drink several hours prior to the "procedure." Unbeknownst to mother, I drank a large glass of milk. Upon having the ether pumped into my small person, I bubbled over, necessitating an emptying and re-application procedure. What a good laugh on the medical guys, eh??!!  

Medicine can be a fertile source of amusement for some. My brothers-in-law for example. SweetHeart and I are in California visiting friends. We lose a wedding ring, convinced it fell into a vent filled with an army of dust rodents and other horribly toxic and hairy stuff. Both of us reached in, holding our noses and breath, but to no avail. Returning home, we noticed our entire bodies covered in red pustules!
SCABIES!! Holy human excrement! Scabies!! I went to see a crack dermatologist, Dermis Bumpimple, MD. I hauled out my most private appendage and attempted to hand it over. He eyed me and my appendage with utter disgust and said, "I'm not touchin' that thing!"  

"But," I stammered, "what about an examination? Don't you have rubber gloves, maybe a medical appendage tongs?" He offered a prescription and ushered us quickly out the door. The story had my brothers-in-law consumed in mirth for hours. On another occasion, returning from a pre-marital holiday in Colorado, I made an appointment with a GP, Dr. Eustus T. Fyreblanks. I had what I described to him as a broken testicle. I displayed the full majesty of my private region. He asked, "How long you had that rash?"

"I don't know," said I, "I've had a history of fungus in that area, like 'athlete's crotch,' " I quipped, trying to add a note of humor to the uncomfortable proceedings.

"Here," he said, handing me a prescription, "spray this on your feet and your crotch'll clear up."  The brothers-in-law were convulsed over that one. I don't recall that we ever actually took care of the broken globule part!! But, I suppose the doctor may have given me a pill or something!

Needless to state, and returning to the more serious nature of this writing, cancer is scary as hell, and we never want any of the people we love having to hear that sort of dire pronouncement from medical doctors. The turn to humor, however, trying to make light of the thing, is a coping mechanism, a device or tool we humans tend to use to some advantage, to remove or at least lessen the fear. To cite an example, I suggested to SweetHeart,
in order to ease the discomfort of having to explain her recent weight loss to a certain party, "Organ removal is not the best means of reducing!" The party of the second part seemed to be put at greater ease, made apparent as she chuckled merrily, if nervously.

In the end, we have to acknowledge that cancer is, for now, an un-arrested thief that steals our parents, much-loved relatives and dear friends, way too many of us, often far too soon, without regard to age or value to those left behind. The big and happy "however" part is the increasing rate at which medical science and we humans generally are able to defeat cancer, at least certain forms of the dreaded thing. For that, we are grateful beyond words!! I've had SweetHeart in my life for more than 50 years; we plan to be together for many, many more to follow, and no snot-nosed slug of a cancer is going to stop us!!!  Thank You.   

(Special Note of Dedication:  The perpetrator dedicates this posting to his Beloved SweetHeart who underwent a major medical procedure with calm acceptance, great dignity and exemplary courage. I hope she'll forgive the tangential digressions, but in the end will know that the essential aim of this writing is to express my growing love and admiration, attempts at humor thrown in just to soften the overall theme. SweetHeart is my ultimate hero!) 


Humbly Submitted 02-06-17 -- Joel K.        

           

          



      

Monday, January 16, 2017

Chicken Pox and Imagination!... Kids Want to Know!... An Illustrated Children's Book!

Memoirs of a Geezer!

Reflections and Observations -- A Bright Passage from the Fantasies of Youth 
to Illuminations of Advanced Maturity!


This Episode:       Imagination!...  A "Stab" at Children's Literature!

Thrill to a Dancing
Pickle!...  this and so much
more:  Read:  An "Awful"
Beautiful Day...  Or, Me
and My Chicken Pox!

"From a bright pen they dripped away, 
Thin and filmy, whirling, elusive,
In the end but shreds, scattered and lost,
Caught on the breath of the wind..." 
          -- Anon.

With any passionate discipline, the imperative is action, movement...  an inexorable journey! If one is driven to write, for example, the pen or keyboard tends to fuse with fingers and mind! The writer is compelled to stab nouns with adjectives and send the pair skittering off with eager verbs... It's a kind of madness, some say, an obsession.  a thing that has to be done with compulsive regularity. Or is it a blessing? Who the hell knows what it is, and why the urge is so insistent, like eating, sleeping and other natural impulses. Within the vastness of words corralled in books and libraries, how many are actually remembered, cherished?  Very few, it's true... but, that's not the point. If you love to write, well then you just have to carry on...  For many it's not even a matter of choice, I suppose!


Yeah, Right!  More shameless self promotion!  But, you see,
it's my blog, so I get to throw these images in from time
to time...  You know, to edify...  to annoy! It's a swell book;
it contains a good story, funny and educative too!  Get a
copy:  www.amazon.com; www.barnesandnoble.com;
www.booksamillion.com; www.outskirtspress.com...

With the great success achieved with my first published work (stated with admitted sarcasm, tongue placed solidly in cheek!), I thought I'd try my hand at a book for children. It has now been completed, and includes wonderful illustrations created by an exceptional artist / collaborator, my brother, Kris. SweetHeart's deft hand, too, of course, always a superb editor and contributor! Why not?, I figure!  Other lunatics have tried writing and having books for kids published; many have even succeeded.  Why not one more delusional lunatic?!

Perhaps it's an ego-driven madness of sorts. I make no lofty claims.  I'm no prolific writer or oft- published novelist. I've not achieved fame; I have no bookshelf filled with hardcover volumes bearing my name. In fact, as I recall, there was a Jesuit teacher in my high school who, when asked if writing could be in my future as a possible vocation answered, "That's the last thing you should do!" In spite of that rebuke or because of it, I chose my profession... And thus I write, whether anyone reads what I write is another matter entirely.      

Possibly I should have been wisely counseled prior to embarking, but in any case...  The result of my latest effort -- accomplished recently, and well into my geezerhood -- is entitled, An "Awful" Beautiful Day...  Or, Me and My Chicken Pox! It's based on an episode experienced by my remarkable daughters, Alie and Bethie.  Well, perhaps I should reveal at least the beginning of the story, in its own words, just to demonstrate that the thing is indeed a fait accompli...


             



  


















What the hell...  I'll include another, maybe even two more of the gorgeous illustrations...  I'm certain readers, devotees and others will be excited and delighted. Won't they? Here are more of the illustrations, with text even!:

























The story's central focus is on IMAGINATION! Quite a few readers have pronounced it "Fun and Funny"...  "Delightful Reading..."  "Entertaining..."  "...an Interesting Reminder of a Nasty Virus Kids Used to Get...  and about Which They're Still Quite Inquisitive!"... Yeah, say I!  That's the whole point, fer crying out loud!! Interested literary agents are most welcome to call or write! I must warn you, however, I'm quite discriminating!...  Anyone out there??!!  Hello??!!
Bethie (left) and Alie in their present
day manifestations.  I tried to give
them a kind of "cartoon-ie" look, in
keeping with the theme... 

Writing is a joyful and can be a somewhat lonely experience, but almost always gratifying, that carries with it a sense of accomplishment. Something you can step back and admire once it's done. And so I say to you, my friends, empathetic comrades and kindred souls, pick up a nib, a quill, a pencil or a keyboard and write something. Even if you and a family member or a friend are the only market or audience for your work.  

Oh yeah, one more thing.  There's a Chicken in the book, a rather large, cartoon-ie one! A truly glorious fowl creature to behold! It alone is worth a look...  Ba Gawk, Ba Gawk...  Buk... Buk... Buk! Its words are translated within the story, and that, too, should generate interest and readership
throughout the entire poultry farming community, agriculture in general... the entire planet, even the inhabited parts!! For those of you who many not be fond of chickens, we apologize, and remind you that there are many other redeeming parts of the book, Characters too, that you're certain to find enjoyable, possibly even memorable! 

Special Note of Dedication and Attribution:  The perpetrator extends giant thanks, and dedicates this writing to his beautiful, incomparable, fun and funny daughters for their unending gifts of themselves, their humor, support, understanding, patience and love. In addition, a special joint dedication to Brother, Kris, and to SweetHeart, my best friend, muse and cherished co-collaborator in life! (But not also dedicated to the pantomime chicken I met the other day in the mall!) Thank You, and Good Night...! ] 

(A Second Note:  "And Good Night to All the Beautiful Young Women..." is available through www.amazon.com; wwwbarnesandnoble.com; www.booksamillion.com; www.outskirtspress.com! The Illustrated Children's Book -- "An 'Awful' Beautiful Day..." is not yet in print, but can be made available to interested parties...  Contact:    jkriofske@att.net    or    joel.mary@icloud.com!)     


Humbly Submitted, 01-16-17 -- Joel K.